Just Give Me A Reason
by medic5
Summary: Spencer and Ashley are engaged, rich, and successful. Spencer loves Ashley but is not quite happy anymore. This a story that hopefully represents what a lot of real couples go through. Doubt, pain, tragedy, and how true love can conquers that. My first attempt at a fanfic. SON characters are not mine. I updated chapter 1 but had to delete and re-post again. Thanks for the patience.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I am so new at this and I haven't quite figured out how to add new chapters. I deleted the story and posted it again. Please be patient with my incompetency. **

**I apologize to those who followed and reviewed my story. Please do so again. Reviews are very welcome. I need it. Thanks.**

I want to tell you my story. But I promise you, you will hate me. You will envy me then you will hate me. You will cringe at my mistakes. You will call me stupid and wonder why made the choices I have made. You will pity me. You will cry with me. And hopefully later, you will learn that I am just like any one of you out there searching for what truly makes a person happy. My name is Spencer Carlin and this is my story.

It's barely 5:00 AM and I hear her voice as she sings in the shower. It's barely 5:00 AM and I'm wide awake lying in bed staring at a very tall and a very white bedroom ceiling. The singing has stopped and the shower has been turned off. Her footsteps make their way to the closet and I can smell her strawberry and peach scented bodywash. Her scent is intoxicating which makes me all hot down there. It's barely 5:00 as she makes her way back to bed and on top of me. She kisses me hard and hungry. And yet she holds back. She props herself up with an elbow as she faces me.

"Hi love…time to wake up." Ashley, my gorgeous fiancée tells me.

"Breakfast and coffee will be ready in 15 minutes. You're suit for today is hanging by the dresser." Ashley, my caring and amazing fiancée, tells me.

"We have to leave no later than 6:15 today so we can make it work by 7:00. The Henderson Trial starts 9:00 AM today my love. I want to go over my opening statement and case strategy with you, Aiden and Madison one more time before we head to the courthouse." Ashley, my intelligent and talented fiancée, tells me as if we haven't been preparing for this trial for 2 long and tiring months.

"Go shower, sleepy head. I'll wait for you downstairs." I smile at her and kiss her on the lips before she leaves me in bed. I watch her oozing with sexiness as she swaggers out the door.

My name is Spencer Carlin, defense attorney, junior associate at the law offices of Carter, Drake and Carter. It's an elite law firm specializing in the defense of the rich, greedy, and guilty. Despite our clients being mostly guilty from the crimes they commit, I secretly do this for those that are innocent. My father once told me that the "Scariest client a defense lawyer can ever have is an innocent one." More about my job later.

I live in small but luxurious 2 bedroom beach front property in Venice Beach, California. I am engaged to my high school sweet heart who will be the perfect wife one day. I have the perfect life and I have the perfect fiancée.

Then why am staring at the ceiling at 5:00 AM wishing I was someone else and somewhere else. And the worst of all thoughts? The thought that I never imagined I would be thinking. The thought that makes me cringe, sick to my stomach, and despise myself all at once. Is the thought that maybe there is someone else out there for me?

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the life I have but I can't help but think that there is something greater than a big paycheck and a nice house. And I love Ashley with all my heart. But things haven't been the same in a long time. She thinks we're happy but I'm scared shitless to tell her that I am not.

Ashley, Aiden, and I are sitting here on the defense side waiting for the prosecution to finish their opening statement. Ashley is the lead on this case. Aiden and I are just second and third chair respectively. Sam Henderson is a 19 year old boy being accused of raping and beating his 19 year old girlfriend, Jessica Adams, to death. She was also pregnant at the time of her death.

The fact that Sam Henderson is the son of a California judge has the media drooling over this case. This is one of those cases that makes want to walk out of the court room, throw away my Harvard Law education and join the Peace Corps or something. Sam Henderson is guilty as hell but it is our job to make sure that he is given the best defense his father's money can get him. Ashley never asks her clients about their innocence. She believes that it is not her job to prove their innocence or to convince the jury of their innocence. Ashley believes that her job is to poke holes in the prosecution's arguments and to plant a seed of doubt in the minds of the jury that her client might have not done this crime. If she is able to plant that seed of doubt, then she has done her job.

Anyways, Ashley is confident she can win this one. The prosecution's case is centered on the fact that Sam's fingerprint was on the murder weapon, a cheerleading trophy and that she was pregnant at the time of her death with Sam's baby. Ashley will argue that Sam is constantly in Jessica's room and the evidence might have been contaminated. There is no other DNA evidence and no witnesses. The prosecution thanks the jury for their time and it is now Ashley's turn to deliver.

Ashley looks my way and gives me her famous smile with a nose crinkle and I give her my patented cute head tilt. That's the way we communicate our support and comfort for each other without the PDA. In high school, that was our little way of saying "I love you" or "I miss you". As we got older, whenever we encountered a challenge or something scary, it was our little way of saying "Everything is going to be ok. We're going to be ok." Those two little actions have conveyed so much words, meaning, and emotion between the two of us. I have meant it every single time. But lately, I think I've been doing it out of habit. No scratch that, I have been doing it to mask the emptiness and the confusion I've been feeling inside. And Ashley is clueless.

I didn't even notice that Ashley was finished with her opening statement but I knew the jury was hooked. After all, Ashley is Ashley, a very talented, confident, and almost perfect human being. I, on the other hand, am nothing but a shadow of my former self. A lonely shadow of the former Spencer Carlin. I am now the soon to be, Spencer Carlin-Davies, defense attorney to the rich, greedy, and guilty.

After a few hours of listening to the prosecution, the court is finally adjourned for the day. I am anxious to get out of there. I don't even understand why our firm sends three of us when Ashley is perfectly capable of handling this one on her own. The powers that be at Carter Drake and Carter are probably just showing face to the media by sending in a Calvary.

"Man you were killin' it today Ash, I think you've got the Jury on your side. That was great work and it's only the first day. …We deserve to celebrate…You ladies want to join me and Madison at Tony's for a beer?" Aiden invites us, his usual routine after the first day of a trial.

"I'm definitely up for it. I haven't seen you both outside of the office in forever. And I could definitely use a beer after listening to A.D.A. Hancock's witchy voice." I chimed in after Aiden and he chuckles.

"Um Love, we have still have to meet with our wedding planner and then I have to go on a run. I don't want to gain weight before our wedding. Plus, we still have a long day in court tomorrow. It's too early to celebrate a victory, Aiden. We'll hang out next time, I promise."

That was Ashley who just killed any ounce of excitement that I had for the night.

" Ash, we can always postpone the meeting with the wedding planner until Friday. And you're already too sexy to be worrying about missing an afternoon run."

"Spence, Helena is the best wedding planner in this part of California, her time is valuable let alone expensive. Can we just hold off on any celebration until we finish this trial? Can we?."

"I guess. Sorry Aiden, next time. Have fun with Maddy. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Alright my favorite ladies, enjoy the wedding planner. See ya."

I smiled at Aiden and whispered a small apology once more behind Ashley's back. Since Ashley and I got engaged, everything has been about wedding preparations. And ever since Ashley found out that she was next in line to become partner at the firm, there was never enough time for any fun.

"You know, I'm not really feeling well anymore. You should go ahead and meet with Helena. I'm fine with whatever venue you decide on." I announced as we reached Ashley's Jaguar.

"What? You were fine a minute ago. Is this about not wanting to hang out with our friends? What are you 16, Spence?"

I didn't say anything. I haven't been saying anything lately.

"Look, Spence, I'm doing this for our future. We can't afford to lose our focus right now. The most important thing is that I get you the wedding you deserve and that I get partner at the firm. After that, we can do whatever you want. Please let's just take one thing at a time. I promise we won't stay long at Helena's. I won't go on my run and we'll go to dinner instead. Ok?" Ashley tells me this as she touches my face with her warm, soft hand. I do love it when she does that. So I quietly surrender.

"Ok…" I smile at her and she kisses me on the cheek. The drive to the wedding planner's office was a quiet one. I stared out the window and sat in silence. These small fights have been really getting to me lately. The issue seemed so trivial yet I don't know why I feel so annoyed.

********************************************************************************************************************************Please let me know what you think even if it is a negative. I'll use it to improve my writing. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews and the bookmarks. Please continue with your support and I will continue the story.**

**To my readers: This story will go far. Please just be patient. I am really new at this therefore I have to take my time. I apologize for the grammar, the typo's and the slow update in advance. I promise that this story will be good. Some of you will hate Ashley and some of you will hate Spencer. Ashley and Spence will have to break and fall apart in order to find what truly makes them happy. In this story, they're just like the rest of us mere mortals.**

**_Italics_ are just flashbacks.  
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Dinner was uneventful last night. She brought me to our favorite Italian Restaurant and she ordered a Chicken Caesar Salad for me and tomato soup and some breadsticks for her. We talked about the Henderson trial. We talked about our wedding plans. And we talked about the Henderson Trial some more. Blah Blah Blah…. I stop listening to her after the third time she brought up the prosecution's unreliable witness list and she didn't even notice. After dinner, we went straight home even after I made a suggestion to go get some ice cream. Ashley said it was too late for sweets and that sugar would just keep me up. Apparently, she still thinks I'm a child. She said we needed to be rested and focused for day 2 of the trial. She kissed me goodnight and we went to sleep by 10:00 PM.

And here I am again at the office for another predictable day. We weren't always like this. Ashley wasn't always this controlling, predictable, and I guess, boring. I wasn't always this unhappy and whiny. There was a time when we were madly in love and it didn't matter what we did. All that mattered was that we were together. Sigh…..it's only 8:25 AM but we're not due in court until 10:00 AM. I'm not interested in the 10 case files on my desk that needs reviewing. I'm not interested in the 7 messages asking for a return call. And I am definitely not up for talking about case strategies with my fiancée. I'm just going to sit here in my office with a nice view and daydream….

8 Years Ago, Senior Year

"_New Hottie Approaching at 12:00!" I heard a tall muscular boy announce in the middle of the cafeteria as I looked for an empty table with my lunch tray._

"_Yo Sexy, you can sit right here on my lap. It's nice and comfy." The muscular boy said while his friends laughed. I ignored him and kept searching for a spot away from douchebag over there. I turned to my left and notice a table for six that was occupied by only two people. _

" _My name is Peter and I'm your next boyfriend." Douchebag is now approaching me._

"_You don't want to sit there. You want to sit over there next to me." Douchebag has now put his arm on me while trying to take my tray. _

"_No thank you. I'd rather sit alone." I tell him while trying free myself from his arm._

"_Oh come on. What's your name?" _

_I was able to step back and remove his arm on my shoulder. However, as I stepped back, I didn't notice that someone has left their chair out in the middle of the walk way. _

"_Oh Fuck" I screamed as I saw my lunch fly over me and into me. I can hear douchebag laugh so hard. I heard the rest of the student body begin to laugh. I closed my eyes to prepare for the fall._

_However, the fall never came. Instead I landed on a pair of strong but soft arms. Someone had caught me before I further embarrassed myself in the cruelest way. Falling on your ass in the middle of a crowded cafeteria is every student's nightmare and it's a one way ticket to loser Ville. I didn't want to open my eyes just yet. At first, I thought it was douchebag Peter who broke my fall but I remember him laughing. Plus, a guy can't smell this sweet and feel this soft._

"_Everything's okay. You're going to be okay. You can open your eyes now." I heard my savior speak. And I was correct. My savior had been a girl. _

_There was something about her voice that made me trust in an instant. I knew she wasn't talking about the fall when she said that I'm going to be ok. I knew that she knew I was more concerned about the embarrassment of falling on your ass in front of the student body than getting hurt. As I opened my eyes, I saw the deepest and most beautiful brown eyes I have ever seen. _

_She smiled at and then did the cutest little gesture. She crinkled her nose at me. Who does that?_

"_OH You is getting kind of heavy." The girl with the brown eyes and cute smile said to me. I got so lost in her eyes that didn't even notice I was lying in her arms a few seconds too long. _

"_Oh I'm so sorry." She helps me up then turns to the crowd as I fix myself._

"_Alright people, shows over! As for you Peter Jenkins, if I see you one more time harassing another girl, I swear I will email the student body that picture of your very naked self and your tiny penis at the lake from last summer." I heard the girl whisper to Peter and I noticed the grin on his face disappear._

"_Whatever. Sorry new girl. But you better be careful with this one." He pointed to my brown eyed girl. I mean the brown eyed girl. "You might catch a disease." Peter added._

_I saw the girl roll her eyes and she pushed him one last time before he left us. Then she turned to me._

"_I'm Ashley. Ashley Davies." She offers her hand to me and I took it. It was also the softest hands I ever felt. God what happening to me? This girl is having some serious side effects on me._

"_Oh I'm Spencer. Carlin. Thank you for what you did. That was incredibly quick and nice of you to catch me. Thank you. I owe you one." Ashley helps me gather my lunch and books that were all over the floor._

_I finally noticed the chocolate milk stain on my shirt and hair._

"_You should get cleaned up. The restrooms are that way. And here take my hoodie so you can remove your shirt. Sorry about Peter. He is one of the biggest jerks but he shouldn't be bothering you anytime soon. If he does, just let me know."_

"_What are you? Some sort of hall monitor? I can't thank you enough. I'll return you hoodie."_

"_Don't worry about it. But hey, I have to go to detention now. See you around Spencer." Ashley gives me another nose crinkle and I feel all tingly inside. She turns around and all of sudden I feel alone. _

_That certainly was weird. I'll deal with that later. But for now, where is that damn restroom._

_I'm on my way to the last period of the day and I'm so happy I got through without any more incidences. I'm wearing Ashley's hoodie and her scent is all over me. However, I have yet to see her in any of my classes or in the hallway._

_Right before I reached the entrance of my health class. I felt a body go close to me on my right side. The body then whispered to my ear._

"_Mrs. Hale's breath smells like rotten cheese and she spits when she lecturing. You can either go attend her class and shower in her cheese spit. Or you can have an awesome day touring L.A. with me?"_

_The voice instantly made me smile though I tried to hide it._

"_It's my first day of school and you're asking me to skip a class." _

"_I'm not asking you. I gave you two options. You can pick the one you think is best for you?"_

_Ashley's invitation made me smile even bigger inside. _

"_I don't want to get in trouble. And besides, how will we get out of here?"_

"_Do you always follow rules? Don't worry about the escape plan. It's your first day. Mrs. Hale doesn't even know you're in her class yet." She argues proudly with me._

_There was no way I can say no to this girl. _

"_Ok." I tilt my head and give in. I finally give her the smile I have been holding back. For a second, I thought I saw her hold her breath. Then I thought I was probably just imagining things._

_Ashley leads me behind the gym. And sure enough, one of the emergency exit's padlocks was not really locked. _

_An old Ford Mustang was parked a few blocks away._

"_Spencer, meet my Betty." Ashley says referring to her Mustang. "It's nothing special, but it'll take us far from here." _

_I chuckled. Betty was a cute name for a car. I got into the Mustang and it wasn't as bad as it looked on the outside. _

"_Nice…" I referred to the inside of Betty. The interior was leather, semi-new, and clean. There were no holes or dents inside. And there was a built –in IPod dock._

"_You like it eh? She's not as bad as it looks. My Dad bought it for me even before I was able to drive so that he can fix her up. We were able to work on the engine and the interior but we haven't had time to fix the outside. I know she looks old, rusty, and unsafe._

"_Well, I like Betty. She's good and strong on the inside. That's all that matters." This warrants a smile from Ashley._

_After three hours of driving around I've seen pretty much all of L.A.'s hidden secrets. Ashley didn't take me to the usual tourist spots in L.A. She said since I'm not a tourist, she wasn't going to take me to Universal Studios or to the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She took me to her secret spots. She showed me Los Angeles through her eyes. She took me to a small diner that served the best burgers in the city and had the friendliest staff. She took me to a quaint bookstore and coffee shop that not many people go to. You can actually read and enjoy the quiet. Then she took me to this music store that sold, bought and traded vinyl records. We also passed by an ice cream shop that had over 50 flavors of ice cream including weird ones like pistachio, green tea, and tomato flavors._

_Ashley and I are now sitting on the rooftop of an abandon building. This was her favorite spot. You can see L.A. from a very different perspective up here._

"_So, you took me everywhere and anywhere but you've barely said anything about you?" I said to her. _

_We haven't really spoken much about each other's personal lives. All I know is that she was born and raised here in L.A. _

"_Well you haven't asked." She replied with a grin on her face._

"_Ok….what's your favorite food?"_

"_Easy, Italian but of course, you can never go wrong with an All-American dinner. Pizza, wings, and ranch dressing!" Ashley says with glee. "What's yours, then?_

"_Chocolate! But occasionally, Italian." She laughs at my response_

"_Chocolate is not food. It is the devil's food!"_

"_It is not! I can survive on chocolate is a major food favorite band or singer?"_

"_Hmm I have way too many. I'm a music lover! I can guess who's yours! It's Miley Cyrus or Demi Novato huh?" She laughs at her guess._

"_Oh hell no way. No way am I listening to teeny boppers… I like Britney and Beyoncé!" _

"_Hahahahaha. Seriously Spencer? Haha."_

_I throw her a small rock that I picked up._

"_Tell me more about yourself Spence, tell me about you before L.A." She quietly asks me as if she's afraid._

"_Well, my mom moved me and my brothers here after my parent's divorce. My dad is a big shot lawyer in Ohio. He has his own firm and is the boss man. My mom finished med school but stayed at home for a while to raise us. Eventually, she started working at small clinics as a pediatrician. What she really wanted was to be pediatric surgeon. My dad wouldn't let her work at the hospital because he was old fashioned and believed that women should stay home to raise the kids. She waited and waited for the opportunity to be great while my dad worked very late nights. It didn't help that they constantly fought. Until one day, she just had enough and decided to leave him. She was offered a job a UCLA Medical Center and she accepted. She filed for divorce and thankfully, my dad didn't make it difficult. He just surrendered. He didn't bother fighting for her and didn't even bother fighting with her. Worst of all, he didn't bother fighting for us. He gave up custody and let me and my brothers leave with her. And that is how I got to L.A. I'm sorry if I bored you." My voice was a little shaky and I felt the tears almost beat me. I opted not to cry because Ashley my think I' m weird._

"_Wow….thanks for sharing that with me. I understand how you feel. I really do. But everything will be ok now. I promise. And besides I'm here now. I have a feeling this is the start of a great friendship." She says this to me and I am enthralled by her confidence, her voice, and her beauty._

"_You've been so nice to me all day. Literally saving my ass, making me borrow your hoodie, touring me around L.A. and listening to my sob story. Why though?" I shouldn't be asking her that but I have trust issues and I don't like ulterior motives._

"_Hmmmm…let me explain this. I have this belief that every person walks into your life for a purpose. Each person means something to you. Some will influence you in a good way and some in a bad way. Some you will remember forever and some you will forget. I saw you today looking so lost today in the cafeteria. I saw you so scared of that jerk Peter, so scared of high school and so scared of life. From that moment, something told me that you and I belong together. And I don't mean that in cheesy or creepy possessive way. I just have this feeling that you and I belong in each other's lives. For what reason, I don't know yet but I'd certainly do what to find out." _

_From that moment on, I knew too that Ashley was going to be someone important to me._

"Spencer…Spencer, are you listening to me? Mr. Carter wants to see you in his office, now." I didn't even notice Jean, my secretary, come inside my office. How dare she disturb my day dreams. "Which Carter?"

"The older one."

That's never good when the boss of the firm wants to see a little junior associate like me. For Ashley, it was common to get called by the bosses. So what would he want with me? I've practically made myself invisible in this firm. Maybe I'm getting fired.

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** Reviews, both positive and negative, are both welcome. Thanks again.**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I know my chapters are short. I promise to make them longer. Thank you to the six people who's reviewed for me and for the 3 that follow. I love it and I'll continue to write this story even though there are so few of you. It means a lot to me.

Song at the end is by All Time Low.

Mr. Wayne Carter, Sr. is a ruthless but brilliant attorney who had a flair for theatrics in the courtroom and a love for the media. He only took front page worthy cases and he only defended the rich. The good thing about Mr. Carter was that he had a soft spot for young and fresh attorneys from top-tiered schools. And that is how Ashley, Aiden, Madison, and I were able to work at this firm.

Ashley, being the hardworking and talented lawyer she is, caught the attention of Mr. Carter almost immediately. He had taken a special liking to Ashley and has worked with and trained her personally. He has gone as far as telling her that she is the next in line to become partner, bypassing so many other attorneys with many more years and court-room victories under their belts.

I, on the other hand, am mediocre at best. I think I became a defense lawyer because I didn't know what else to do. I think I became a defense lawyer to get the attention of my father, a legendary defense attorney himself. My father, though, is nothing like Mr. Carter. He defended those who he believed were truly innocent whether they could pay or not pay. I worshipped the man and wanted to be like him. And lastly, I think I became a defense lawyer because that is what Ashley wanted.

Like I mentioned earlier, I was madly in love with Ashley and the thought of being apart in college was devastating to me. I just noticed I said "was madly in love with Ashley". I promise to go into detail about that later. And that is why I went to Harvard Law. I had the grades to pull it off and I did get accepted with ease. However, the most important factor was that Ashley also got accepted. I went to law school for all the wrong reasons and I am just now experiencing the hangover effects.

"Hello Mr. Carter. You were asking for me?" I say to him as I entered his office.

"Ah yes Spencer. Would you care for some coffee or perhaps a scotch?" He offers and politely decline.

"How is the soon to be Mrs. Davies? Ashley can't stop talking about the wedding plans."

"It's going to be Mrs. Carlin-Davies. And I'm wonderful Mr. Carter. Ashley's really excited to give me a beautiful wedding and I'm sure she will."

"Well I expect an invitation Mrs. Carlin-Davies. I won't take up too much of your time dear."

"Not a problem at all Mr. Carter. What can I do for you?"

"I have looked at your credentials Spencer. It seems to me that you have a lot of potential. You graduated salutatorian in high school and college. After that you graduated top 5 of your class at Harvard which is a very admirable feat. You interned at Holfman and Gaines, a top-twenty firm. "

Mr. Carter continues on to highlight my achievements and I think I know where this is going. I allow him to continue on without saying a word. At least he knows I had achievements at some point in my life. For a split second, I felt as if he was describing someone else. Someone I didn't know. For each and every one of those achievements, Ashley's overshadowed mine. I was salutatorian in high school and college, she was valedictorian. I was top five in law school, she was top 3. I interned at a top 20 law firm, she interned at a top 10 law firm. I was always one step behind her and I'm not sure anymore if it was because she was smarter or more talented than I was. Some part of me said that wasn't always the case.

"And if I remember quite well, you blew our minds away during your interviews. You have an impressive education and training and it's also in your genes. Your father is Arthur Carlin, a well- respected and highly regarded defense attorney in Ohio. And your mother, Paula Carlin, is a world-renowned and award winning surgeon. You have the brains, the skills, and the DNA to be a great lawyer. Then tell me, Spencer, why I am seeing a decline in your cases being sent to trial. It seems that your prefer plea agreements over victories in court. Am I sensing that you are no longer happy working in this firm?"

There it is. I was waiting for him to question my loyalty to this firm.

"Mr. Carter, to be honest, I'm just overwhelmed by all of this. With Ashley's career taking off, I feel like I have to be the one to make sacrifices right now. I want her to succeed. And then the wedding is also something I have been stressing about." I do want Ashley to succeed. I just didn't know that I had to take a backseat.

"I like your honesty, Spencer. And I am even more amazed of your support for the woman you love. Hell if my ex-wives supported my career like that, I wouldn't have been divorced 3 times. Ashley, as you know, is on the quick track to make partner. I'm glad you and I are on the same page about her. We need her to be her best at all times. I want you to continue what you're doing but I also need you to step up your game. We have a reputation to uphold and I need all of my associates to protect that reputation."

"I understand Mr. Carter. "

"There is an important case I am assigning to you. Of the many lawyers that work for me, I think you're perfect for this case. Mr. Thomas Scott is the CEO of Scott Communications, a Fortune 500 company. He has been married to his wife for over 15 years and they have 3 young daughters together. Thomas Scott is being accused of molesting and raping four boys between the ages of 8 to 16. This is an important case to us. You will take this to trial and you will win it."

I hold back any reaction to what is being asked of me. There are two types of clients that I have avoided and refused to defend, the wife beaters and the child rapists.

"I appreciate the trust you have bestowed upon me to handle such an important case, but why me? Of the many talented lawyers you have at your payroll, why me for this case?"

"I need Mr. Scott to be defended by a lawyer that the jury can easily warm up to. I need someone who can easily win the sympathy of the jury. Someone who looks like the All-American girl who got straight A's in school and dated the prom king or queen. Someone who obeyed her parents and got herself a great education. I need a female attorney that looks like she can be the perfect wife and perfect mother to her children. Because if some like her can defend someone like Mr. Scott, who is being accused of such a horrific crime, then he may be innocent after all."

He made no mention of my accomplishments this time around. In fact, he seemed to have emphasized that fact that I am being chosen for this case not because I am a talented lawyer with so much potential, but because I can appear to be the dutiful wife, the perfect daughter, and the All-American girl. I am only being chosen for this case solely on the reason that I am someone who looks like the jury will believe.

"The piercing blue eyes and the blond hair certainly don't hurt. And of course, your personal life is impeccable and your parents are legendary in their careers. The media and the jury will adore you."

"Mr. Carter, I am highly appreciative of working for you, but I'm not sure if I can handle a case of this magnitude. What about Ashley, Madison, or even Leah or Mildred. I am sure I am not the only female attorney is this office that can play the part you are asking?"

"Spencer, Ashley has a lot on her plate right now and she needs to focus on her cases. Mildred is on maternity leave. And Madison and Leah are both beautiful women but female jurors will only envy and hate them. And do you think the male jurors will take them seriously? I'll give you the weekend to think about it. I expect you to make the right decision come Monday. Think about what this could do for your career. Just think about what Ashley would do."

And it always comes down to Ashley.

"Thank you Mr. Carter. I'll certainly consider it and will get back to you on Monday"

I walk out of his office and as soon as I closed the door, I make a beeline to the elevators. I pressed the button taking me to the rooftop. I was suffocating. I needed air and I needed it fast. Although it seemed like a great opportunity for my career, it certainly felt like an insult to who I am. It certainly felt like a blow to the gut.

I took a deep breath and the air felt good. A few years ago, this is not how I envisioned my life. This is not how I pictured my life to be. I never pictured myself as someone who did mediocre things or did what people told her to do. I imagined myself to be doing what I want and when I wanted to do it. I imagined myself doing greater things for the betterment of the world. I thought I was going to be a difference maker in this world not a part of the problem. I am now looking down and I can see the traffic on the ground. I didn't notice how close I was to the ledge. I remember how it felt to be alive.

**8 years ago Senior Year**

"_What do you want to be when you grow up? " I asked Ashley. Since that day at the cafeteria, we've been inseparable and it's been a few months now. She has no idea how she makes me feels. When we're together, everything is perfect. And no matter how lonely it gets at my house and no matter painful it is to be at away from my dad, she makes everything bearable. I'm surviving because someone like Ashley walked into my life. But she doesn't know that of course. I'm afraid I'll lose her if I tell her. _

"_Huh? That's such a dorky question. It's a question you ask an eight year old."_

"_Just answer the question." It's 9 o'clock at night and Ashley and I are lying on a blanket on top of our favorite rooftop. You can see the stars really good up here. It's as if we're close enough to touch it._

"_Fine, but don't laugh ok. You're gonna think I'm a dork or a loser."_

"_I already think you're dorky." She smiles but hits me playfully on the arm._

"_Hmmmm…. I want to be a rock star just like my dad. Don't laugh ok. I don't wanna do it for the fame or the money. I want to do it for the music. I want to write my own songs and sing at sold out concerts. I wanna travel all over the world and perform at different countries. But most especially, I want my songs to be inspirational to somebody, anybody. I want my music to be the reason why they chose to live and chose to love. I want somebody to listen to my songs when they're hurting or when they're falling in love. Through my music, I wanna make someone feel alive."_

_I stay quiet and admire the being in front of me. Oh how I wish I can tell that she's already made me feel alive._

"_What? You think I'm lame huh?" She's asks me._

"_No, I think you're amazing" Crap did I just say that out loud?_

"_Huh?"_

"_I meant, I think that's an amazing thing you want to do with your life. If there's someone who can inspire masses with a microphone, I know it's you"_

_Ashley stares at me with her beautiful brown eyes. Even in the dark, I'm drowning in them. I can't handle the intensity of her stare so I look away._

_She notices my discomfort so she gets up and grabs her guitar._

"_Let me play something for you. I haven't played for anybody other than my dad you know? So be nice and tell me what you think. I, uh, sort of wrote it for you."_

_She starts strumming her guitar and my heart beats a little faster._

Time to lay claim to the evidence  
Fingerprints sold me out  
But our footprints washed away  
From the docks downtown  
It's been getting late for days  
And I think myself deserving of a little time off  
We can kick it here for hours  
And just mouth off about the world  
And how we know it's going straight to hell

Pass me another bottle, honey  
The Jager's so sweet  
But if it keeps you around, then I'm down

Meet me on Thames Street  
I'll take you out  
Though I'm hardly worth your time  
In the cold, you look so fierce  
But I'm warm enough  
Because the tension's like a fire  
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes  
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line  
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself  
But there's room for two  
Six feet under the stars

I should have known better than to call you out  
(On a night like this, a night like this)  
If not for you, I know I'd tear this place to the ground  
(But I'm all right like this, all right like this)  
I'm gonna roll the dice  
Before you sober up and get gone  
(I'm always in over my head)

Thames Street  
I'll take you out  
Though I'm hardly worth your time  
In the cold, you look so fierce  
But I'm warm enough  
Because the tension's like a fire  
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes  
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line  
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself  
But there's room for two  
Six feet under the stars

Time to lay claim to the evidence  
Fingerprints sold me out  
But our footprints washed away  
I'm guilty, but I'm safe for one more day  
Overdressed and underage  
(What a letdown)  
Do you really need see an ID?  
This is embarrassing as hell  
(What a letdown)  
But I can cover for it so well  
When we're six feet under the stars

Thames Street  
I'll take you out  
Though I'm hardly worth your time  
In the cold you look so fierce  
But I'm warm enough  
Because the tension's like a fire  
We'll hit South Broadway in a matter of minutes  
And like a bad movie, I'll drop a line  
Fall in the grave I've been digging myself  
But there's room for two  
Six feet under the stars  
Six feet under the stars  
Six feet under the stars

_As the song ends, my heart is pounding. I am falling in love with this girl. And I've never felt more alive than I do now._

A/N: Tell me what you think. Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Life caught up and was unrelenting. I hope the constant switching between present and future is not confusing. I will write an Ashley POV next chapter so you all can get a better understanding of her. As always, thanks for reading this story and for your patience.**

**Italics are flashbacks and Bold are songs.**

I'm still at the rooftop reminiscing about the first time Ashley sang to me when I felt strong but soft arms embrace me from behind. I know it's her. I always know. I let myself fall deeper into her arms. It's the same arms that have caught me from falling down. Kept me sane all these years. The same arms that have comforted me when I was sad or hurt. But sadly, no matter how I try to remember how it felt, and no matter how tight she hugs me, her arms feel different.

"Hi there…Maddy said she saw you come up here." Ashley says.

"Yeah I just needed a breather."

"Everything ok?" She asks me. The old Ashley would have never asked me that. She would have known that I was upset.

I turn to face her and put on the best impersonation of my former self. "Of course love, everything is fine. Like I said, just needed a breather." I smile and tilt my head for special effects. And then I hug her tightly.

I close my eyes and pretend that even just for a second, ,that I am 17 year old Spencer and she is 17 year old Ashley. God, I miss that girl so much. I don't want to open eyes. Because if I do, she'll disappear.

**8 Years Ago **

"_What about you? What do you want to be?" It's her turn to ask me. I am now lying on her lap and she is stroking my hair. I'm trying not to die right now because if I did, I'd be really happy in her arms. After she finished singing to me, we somehow ended up like this on our blanket._

"_Well some days, I want to be like my dad, a lawyer.,.. You know, defend the wrongly accused or work for the poor who can't afford lawyers. But then again, I want to be like mom too. I want to be a doctor and perform a really awesome surgery to save a child's life. And then some days, I want to be a film maker. I want to travel the world and make documentaries about the poverty in Africa or the war in the Middle East…... I'm conflicted though. My dad says that I should just be a teacher or a nurse so that I'll have time to take care of my husband and my family. My mom tells me that there's no future in law anymore. My film teacher in Ohio said that there were too many wannabe Spielbergs nowadays. ….So I'm conflicted."_

_She's staring at me again. I hate it when she stares at me like that. I feel like she's poking holes into my brain and analyzing every word and every thought of mine. _

"_Let me tell you something. Screw what your parents tell you. The hell with what your teacher told you. You, Spencer Carlin, can be anything you want to be. Because, I, Ashley Davies, said so. Because I think that you're an incredibly talented and intelligent being. And you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. I think you'll surprise us all one day with how great you're going be, Spencer Carlin." I probably look like a tomato with all the blushing but thankfully, it's dark and she can't see my face._

"_You're such a softie you know that? Behind the tough girl exterior, there is cute little version of you that's dying to get out." I tease her and she pulls my hair gently._

"Spence….Spence? Did Mr. Carter talk to you about Thomas Scott? It's going to be a huge case and this is your chance to prove yourself. The only evidence they have are the victims' complaints…and according to the police report, their testimonies are inconsistent."

And there's my wake up call. My wake up call to tell me that the girl I am holding is no longer her 17 year old self. And as much as I miss her, I miss my old self even more.

"Oh, so he talked to you about the Scott case before me" I ask her and quickly let go.

"No actually, it was me who spoke to him about Mr. Scott. I met Thomas through his younger sister Janey years ago. She informed me that her brother was in trouble and needed a great lawyer. So I pitched the idea to Mr. Carter. To have you take the lead in this case."

"So you went to our boss to get a "career-defining" case for me and you didn't think to speak to me about this first? Why? Do you think I'm incapable of obtaining cases for myself?" I somehow feel betrayed about this.

"It's not that Spencer…..I just.."

"And did you even consider how I would feel about a case involving child rape?"

"Spencer, I know the Scott family. Thomas Scott is a good man and a great father. He is being framed for money. There is evidence that the parents are seeking to settle for the right dollar amount. Thomas Scott refuses to settle because he is not guilty. And Mr. Carter wants to take this to trial."

"Ash, I don't think I can take this case. I can't do this."

"Spence, you're a very talented lawyer. Mr. Scott deserves a great defense and I think you're beyond capable of doing that."

She's not hearing what I'm trying to say. I know I can take on this case. But I don't want to. It goes against everything I believe and there is no way I am going to represent a child rapist.

"I don't want to take the case. I don't defend child rapists."

"Spencer, you are a defense attorney! You're supposed to defend the accused, not judge them. And you're not exactly at liberty to pick and choose your cases!" She is now raising her voice at me.

"But you have the liberty to go behind my back and choose my cases for me? And you accuse me of being judgmental when you already declared his innocence? Who do you think you are, Ashley?" I raise my voice back at her.

"Look I'm sorry if you feel that way…I'm only trying to help your career because Mr. Carter is thinking about laying off associates who are not performing to his standards. ….And you're one of them." She says the last part quietly.

I'm not surprised at Ashley's news. In fact, I sort of expected it. In a way, I wanted it. I stay quiet and Ashley continues on talking.

"Hey, sweetie…don't worry about it okay. I spoke to him already and he understands. He's not going to let you go but he will monitor your progress. He wants maximum productivity from you in the next six months. I've assured him that I will help you reach your potential." Her tone is soothing now.

I stay quiet. I'm not fazed by the news at all. In fact, I feel relieved that I have a way out of this. What is shocking to me is Ashley's complete ignorance of how I feel. I don't know if she is completely unaware of my unhappiness or if it is a blatant disregard for my feelings.

"Let's start with this Scott case, ok. I had my paralegal compile a case file for you already."  
I'm looking at her intensely and I am begging for her to notice the emptiness inside. But she doesn't. She doesn't notice anything.

"Ash, I'm not…" I'm trying to tell her I don't want to do this but she interrupts me.

"Spencer, we will get through this ok. Like we always do. "

"It's not the case Ash, it's just that…" I'm interrupted again.

"Whatever it is, it doesn't matter Spencer. We can do this together. The only important thing is that I'm happy. You're happy. I love you and you love me. That's all that matters. Just Spencer and Ashley, ok?" She says this with unwavering confidence.

I give up. I'm not up for arguing and there's really no point.

"Yeah of course." Was my only reply to her.

"Alright then. Let's head back in."

Just to make Ashley happy, I took the file from her and told her that I'll review it over the weekend. I place in my brief case but I really don't have any plans to even open it.

I locked myself in the office and put my head down on my desk for a good minute. I wish that Ashley would just listen to me. But then again, I wish I had the courage to tell her what's going on inside my head. I don't know how and that is my problem. I feel like if I say something, if I fight back, our lives would fall apart. Or Ashley's life would fall apart. Even though I have been feeling like this, I don't want to hurt her. I have spent every waking moment of my life for the past 8 years making sure Ashley doesn't get hurt or that she doesn't get disappointed. She's been hurt way too many times by people she's loved and I promised her that I wasn't going to be like those people. I promised her from the moment she gave her heart to me that I would take care of it would every fiber of my being.

And that has been the biggest mistake of my life. I gave Ashley everything and left nothing for myself. And now I am stuck in career I despise and in a relationship I am no longer sure of.

We we're back in court again for the Henderson trial and Ashley is stellar in her performance. She destroyed the credibility of the prosecution's witnesses and exposed the detective's incompetence and laziness during the investigation. Ashley is on a natural high like the way she used to be when she sang on stage. I remember those days like it was yesterday.

**8 Years Ago**

"_Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to Grey's open mic night. As you all know, we only accept performers that write their own songs. We have a first time performer today. Give it up for the beautiful Ms. Ashley Davies!" The DJ announces to the crowd and the crowd goes wild. We are at Grey's tonight for Ashley's performance. I sort of convinced her to sign up. Or more like forced her to sign up. _

"_I can't do this Spencer! Please don't make me go out there!" Ashley protests as I try to push her on stage._

"_Ashley! We've talked about this before. You're an extremely talented musician."_

" _But what if they don't like me? What if I get booed? What if they throw their beer bottles at me? Or worse, what if they wait for me in the parking lot and beat the crap out of me."_

"_What do I always tell you?"_

"_That I'm hot and gorgeous?"_

"_No silly. That if there is anyone who can inspire masses with a microphone, it's you dummy!"_

_She grins at me and gives me a tight hug followed by a kiss on the cheek._

"_You're amazing you know that?" She tells me._

_I smile at her and give her one hard shove towards the stage. She recovers and walks the rest of the way over to her guitar. Ashley is one hot girl but with that guitar, she is a goddess. _

"_Uh Hello..I'm Ashley.."_

"_Hi Ashley" The crowd replies in unison._

"_My best friend Spencer over there forced me to play for you all. So if I suck, feel free to blame her." The crowd laughs and I know they'll love her._

"_Here's a song I wrote…it's called "You Make it Real" …."_

_The crowd cheers on as she starts strumming her guitar._

There's so much craziness surrounding me,  
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe  
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,  
You make it real for me

_The crowd is quiet but attentive. I have now made my way to the front row so I can get a better view of Ashley._

When I'm not sure of my priorities,  
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be  
And like holy water washing over me,  
You make it real for me

_Her voice is so raw and so powerful. Not only is she an amazing singer, but she's one heck of a song writer. I actually haven't heard this song yet. _

And I am running to you baby,  
You are the only one who saves me  
That's why I've been missing you lately,  
'Cause you make it real for me

_Her eyes are closed the whole entire time she's singing this song. I can't help but feel pride. It's taken Ashley quite a while to open up to me. She rarely talks about her family or what's going on inside of her head. But when she sings, she bares her heart and soul to me._

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,  
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty  
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,  
You make it real for me

_There's nothing I want more in this world than to be the one that Ashley runs to._

And I am running to you baby,  
You are the only one who saves me  
That's why I've been missing you lately,  
'Cause you make it real for me

_I want to be the only person who truly knows who she is._

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,  
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am  
And you're shining in the distance,  
I hope I can make it through  
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

_She's now opened her eyes and is directly looking at me. Looking into my soul. _

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,  
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn  
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,  
You make it real for me

_The crowd is going wild but I feel like I am the only person in this room right now. I am the only one she is singing to. I can hear everyone screaming Ashley's name._

And I am running to you baby,  
'Cause you are the only one who saves me  
That's why I've been missing you lately,  
'Cause you make it real for me  
You make it real for me

_She never took her eyes off of me and I am too amazed to move. She removes her guitar and steps down from the stage. I didn't even notice that she is right in front of me._

"_Hi"_

"_Hi"_

"_So what do you think?"_

"_Amazing"_

"_Hehe Thank you. I couldn't have done without you."_

"_I know."_

"_So you wrote that song?"_

"_Yeah and I wrote it for you."_

__A/N: Song is by James Morrison.

Thanks for reading. Please review.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone, Thanks for the reviews. I am honored to know that you guys are following even though there are so few. **

**This Chapter is Ashley's POV and it is short. You'll get a better understanding of Ashley here. My rating is teens and up but there are mature elements on this chapter.**

I open my eyes and its 5:58 AM on a Saturday morning. I don't even know why I set my alarm clock for 6:00 AM when my body knows exactly what time I need to wake on any given day. My body knows its Saturday and it knows to wake me up by 6:00 AM for my morning run. I get up and turn in off even before it rings. I don't want it to wake the sleeping form next to me.

I stop and stare at the sleeping form. She's the most important part of my life, you see. She's also the most beautiful and the most wonderful part of my human existence. I don't know how I got so lucky when Spencer Carlin fell into my arms that day, eight years ago. And I don't know how I got so blessed that she stayed with me all these years despite the drama and the complications that come along with being me, Ashley Davies.

We've been together for 8 years and engaged for a little over a year now. I can't wait any longer to marry her. You're probably wondering why we're not married yet. Well, let's just say that life got in the way. Life always gets in the way. If I had it my way, I would've married her right out of high school. Her parents, my parents, college, law school, and then the law firm all got in the way. Despite all of that, Spencer and I are as strong as ever. I'm sure she understands. We both know that in order for us to start a family, we must be stable in other areas of our lives such as career and finances.

She's laying on her back and her hair is strewn across her face. Her left knee is bent so her night gown has been raised up and HOLY CRAP, she's not wearing any panties. If she moves just a little more I'll have a full frontal view..….! Hey she's my fiancé so I can perve all I want. I've seen her like this countless times before but it never fails to get me all hot and bothered.

But of course….. I fight the urge to just get on top and have her right then and there. I let out a long sigh and chose to cover her with a blanket. Sex with Spencer always distracts me. Sex with Spencer in the morning? Say goodbye to any hopes of a productive Saturday. She's most horniest at this time and I know exactly what will be in it for me. Sex with Spencer in the morning equals multiple orgasms that will drain the fuck out of both of us. Which equals staying in bed all day. So no, I am not going to start what I cannot afford to finish. And no matter how much I am aching to touch her, I am stepping out of this room.

I'm on my morning run and I am running faster than usual due to the sight that greeted me this morning. I smile widely as I run on the beach… I am still amazed at how Spencer makes me feel. They say that you're supposed to experience some sort of itch. I have heard of a three year itch, a five year itch, a seven year itch…whatever itch that might be, I know for a fact I haven't felt it. I'm still in love with Spencer Carlin today the same way I was 8 years ago. If it's changed, I love her more today that I did before.

I smile even more at the thought of how far we've come. You see, my life was nowhere near what it is now. Sure, I had a rock star dad. He was famous or so I was told. But I didn't meet him until I was 13 and by that time, he has squandered all of his money on women, drugs, and booze. His band had a falling out and they moved on without him in the early 90's. Since he was the lead singer of the band, he thought they would be nothing without him. His band eventually found a younger singer and went on to make award winning albums and sold out concerts. Before I met my dad, I had no one. My mom didn't exactly hate me but she didn't show any hint of love towards me either. When I met my dad, he and I were both ecstatic to meet each other. He apologized to for abandoning me and explained why he had to. I, being the naïve 13 year old, was just happy to have someone be excited about me. I forgave him and developed a relationship through email and phone calls. What I didn't know was the countless disappointments and heartaches that will come with having a dad like Raife Davies. He occasionally stayed in LA with me. He even bought me nice things when he scored a gig. My dad was not a good father, but he was my dad regardless and I loved him with all my heart. Even though he broke it into a million little pieces over and over again.

My mom is another story. It's actually quite simple so I won't go into detail about that. Like I've mentioned, she didn't hate me but she didn't love me. If she did love me, she sure as hell never showed it. Basically, she blamed my father for getting her pregnant and ruining her dreams to become a model. She blamed my father for leaving her with a baby she couldn't raise on her own but couldn't quite get rid of because the baby was the only proof of their whirlwind romance. She loved him and I knew that. And I was the only proof that the man she loved once loved her back, kinda like a box of love letters or a stuffed animal from your ex that you couldn't get rid of. Because if you did, it would feel like the relationship never happened. Anyways, my mom worked two jobs and we lived pay check to pay check. She was unhappy and alone. Raife stole her heart and never gave it back. He took all of her love and didn't leave anything for me.

When I was younger, I wanted to be like my father. Besides that fact that he was an extremely talented musician, he loved life and dove into it head first. He took chances and never hesitated. He would tell me stories of how he met my mom and how in love they were. They ran away with nothing but his car and his guitar. He would tell me about bringing her along on the tour bus and traveling all over the world. He would tell that he still loved her after all these years but life couldn't let them be together. I wanted Spencer and I to have the kind of young romance they did so much that I asked her to run away with me after high school graduation. I wanted to be a rock star like him. College wasn't for me even though I had the grades. I had at the talent and the aspirations to be a great musician. To my surprise, she was ecstatic about the idea and was willing to postpone college for me. So I packed my clothes, grabbed my guitar then picked up the girl. Our plans were foiled even before it began. Mr. Carlin found out about it through my boneheaded best friend, Aiden and chased after us on the road. When we finally stopped right before we got out of LA, I thought he would be furious and that he would slap the shit out of me. What he did next surprised the fuck out of me and Spencer. He just looked at me with the saddest eyes and hugged me tightly. He told me he wasn't mad but he had some bad news. He told me my father had just been arrested for the murder of his agent.

From that day on, I swore to never become my father, who lived selfishly, impulsively and without any clear direction in life. Hopefully, you get why I am the way I am. I want to succeed and I want to live comfortably. I vowed never to become my parents and I vowed that Spencer and I will have a great life and our children will grow up in a loving home.

I didn't realize that I had run 4 miles back and forth to my house. I bought this house within a few months of working at the firm. Spencer and I plan on selling it and buying an even bigger one after the wedding. This house is one of the few things I own that remind me of how far I've come and I am damn proud of it.

After that I go upstairs to wake Spencer up and then all of a sudden, my clothes are being ripped off and I am being pulled down to bed. I guess she saw me still sweating in my tank top and running shorts and couldn't resist.

She's working on removing my sports bra and I try to stop her.

"Love, I'm sweating and it's disgusting you know?"

"Yeah I know…." She replies as she licks the sweat dripping down my neck.

"And I kinda stink…" She bites my lip and I could feel her heat and her wetness as she squeezes my thigh in between her naked crotch.

She takes my hand and leads two fingers inside of her. And fuck I am screwed.

"Then you better follow me into the shower." She says this as she pushes me off and throws her night gown at me.

I was stunned and unbelievably fucking horny. That left me no choice but to follow and ignore all the tasks I have planned to do. Goodbye to a productive Saturday.

**Reviews are welcome.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: To my readers, thank you for your continued support and reviews (for those that have). Like any author on this site, I'd like to know your opinions and constructive criticisms. Please always let me know what you think even if you don't like the story.**

**I apologize for the mistakes again.**

* * *

**Spencer's POV**

The water is scalding hot but it's not like we've noticed with both of bodies on fire. She kisses me on my neck, my collarbone, and on my lips. I bite on her lower lip and she winces for a second. But I don't care because I am hungry for her. My legs are tangled on her waist and my back is pressed up against the wall.

We haven't had sex like this in a while. I am going to make this last as long I can. I will make her stay inside of me and I will not let her go. I will make her satisfy me over and over again. And when she's tired, I will do to her what I made her do to me. Sex is powerful tool you can use to control a person. Only in sex, do I have full control of what happens. It's only in sex, where Ashley surrenders full control to me. And I will take every advantage of this vulnerable side of Ashley. Because this is the only control she hasn't taken away from me.

**Ashley's POV**

Spencer is always horny in the morning but there's something different today. She's more aggressive and physical than usual. I have her pinned against the shower wall and her legs are tangled across my waist. My right arm is supporting her weight. I thrust slowly at first and she demands I go faster and harder. Damn, she is fucking hot!

Fuck! She just bit my lip. That's definitely going to be swollen. We haven't had sex like this in a while and I know it's mostly my fault. I have been consumed by my work lately and I think it's taken a toll on Spencer. So today, I am going to give her full control of my time and my body. I will do as she says to please her in every way she wants. I will not stop until she tells me to. She can take advantage of me because I love her and I trust her.

**Spencer's POV**

"I love you." Ashley tells me as we both collapse onto our bed.

"Love you too." I tell her.

We lay still for a bit to catch our breaths and then she announces that she's going to shower again but alone this time. She said she had a million things to do today.

As she leaves me behind, a tear rolls down my cheek. I didn't even notice I was holding it back this entire time. For once, I just wanted her to hold me and to stay long enough so that I can talk to her.

I'm crying because I know we've lost it. We've lost the spark, the connection, and we might as well have lost the love. Yes, we've just had mind blowing, earth shattering sex. But that was all it was, just sex.

There was no cuddling or pillow talk. There was no sharing of secrets or thoughts. There was just sex and nothing else. There is just me alone in this bed while she leaves me to continue to do other more important things.

* * *

It's Saturday night and we are at my brother Glenn and his wife, Chelsea's house for a small dinner with our friends. Chelsea works as an accountant with our firm and I had introduced her to Glenn in one of Ashley's birthday parties. Within a year of dating, Glenn proposed to her and then they were married shortly after. Sometimes I wish my relationship with Ashley was as short and simple as Glenn's and Chelsea's. They've only been together for a total of 2 and half years and they're obviously still in that honeymoon phase.

Aiden and Madison are mine and Ashley's best friends. Aiden has been Ashley's best friend since high school. I got close to Madison at the firm because we started out sharing offices. This month, they're a couple. But who knows what next month will bring for the both of them. They fight, break up, sleep with other people and then get back together.

I also envy these two. At least they have the courage to fight and break up. But most importantly, they have the courage to say what's on each other's mind even though they both know those words will hurt later.

Kendra and Chrissy, two of Chelsea's accounting staff, are also present. I really don't like that girl Kendra. She and I did not get off to a good start. She had the nerve to ask Ashley out on a date even though she knew Ashley was engaged to Chelsea's sister in-law. Of course, Ashley turned her down but they have been friends ever since. I, on the other hand, think that she's a fucking vulture waiting to prey on my fiancée. She still flirts with Ash making comments like "when are you going to be single?" or "it's not cheating if you don't get caught."

Ughhhhh! I hate that Chelsea and Glenn are good friends with her. And I hate it even more that Ashley is nice to her. She's a fake blonde with a huge ass and tits. But that's what made me insecure. Her ass and her tits! I'm not exactly flat chested but I'm also not very gifted in the boobs department. I have a nice and cute ass, but it doesn't exactly get the same attention that Kendra's ass gets. Ashley tells me that Kendra has nothing on me. She tells me that hands down, I'm sexier and more beautiful than Kendra. I don't feel like it most days.

I know for a fact Ashley will not cheat on me with that slut. She may cheat on me but not with some dirty skank like that. Ashley has class and will never go for the easy lay.

How do I know this when we've been together for 8 years and both of us neither really got the chance to be with other people? Oh, there were a few times when we've both had opportunities to explore our options. We had a few breaks between the 8 years. And during those breaks, we made it clear that we were both allowed to try dating other people. The thing is that neither she nor I, ever tried to date other people, let alone sleep with anyone else.

And that was another mistake added to my growing list. When we were on a break, we should have really taken a real break and not just play a waiting game. I sulked at home and didn't make any contacts with the outside world. I waited for Ashley to cave in and call me or I waited until I caved in and called her. Ashley always stayed with her sister, Kyla during those breaks. And when stayed there, she usually spent all her time with her niece and nephew. She also waited for me to call her and when she couldn't wait any longer, she called me. And during those breaks, we often met up for coffee or lunch.

We're now sitting at the dinner table enjoying the delicious meal that Chelsea prepared for us.

"Chels, as usual you're cooking is awesome! Maddy, this is what great cooking tastes like. Maybe you should learn from her and then I'll marry you." Aiden compliments my sister-in-law and at the same time, makes fun of Madison.

"Who says I want to marry you? And I'm not the kind of chick that will cook for her husband. I'll order him some takeout." Madison quips back. I laugh at this because I know for a fact Madison will never be that kind of wife.

"So Ashley, how's the Hendersen Trial coming along? ….Did he really kill the girl?" Glenn asks my fiancé.

"Glenn, that's not something Ashley can tell you. You don't have to answer that." Chelsea scolds him.

"It's alright Chels….I think the trial will be over by next week and it doesn't matter if he did it or not. The police work was downright lazy and a clear violation of my client's rights." Ashley states this and I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

"I know they're not releasing any information to the media, but I read from a reliable source that the detective that bagged the evidence was using dirty gloves? And then this Henderson kid was questioned without a lawyer present? If that's the case, then I think that he should be acquitted. His rights were clearly violated. At least he has a great attorney." Kendra joins the conversation and smiles a little too suggestively at Ashley. Who the hell asked for her opinion?

"If anyone's rights were violated in this case, it was the victim's. She's dead by the way. And the tabloids or work place gossip don't count as a reliable sources. Only fake dumb blonds would think that." I roll my eyes and hope no one notices.

Oh shit. Everyone is looking at me with their jaws on the floor. Did I just say that out loud?

"Love.. Kendra's just trying to make conversation. You don't have to be so mean."

"I'm not being mean Ash, I'm just saying that she shouldn't make comments about things she knows nothing about."

"I know I'm not a lawyer. And you probably think I'm not smart enough to be one, at least I support Ashley and the firm's vision about giving clients a good defense…what about you? It seems like your leaning towards the other side."

Oh hell no! She did not just go there. She has the nerve to comment on my loyalty to Ashley and the firm.

"Could you kiss my fiancée's ass any harder? I know you're all wet for her but bitch please, she'll never lay a finger on you?" I am now standing up and looking down at Kendra. Everyone is quiet. Glenn is playing with his food and trying to hold back his laughter. Aiden continues to eat. Madison has now appeared by my side ready to attack. Chelsea, Ashley, and Chrissy are just watching us with wide eyes.

"Spencer! Watch your language. Show some respect to our friends. And apologize to Kendra." Ashley scolds me like child as she tries to have me sit back down.

"I am not apologizing to her. The bitch started it. She's been eye-fucking you the whole time since we got here. She's been disrespecting me and our relationship since you met her. And I am not going to sit here any longer and let her disrespect. "

"That's it. Chels, Glenn, thanks for the awesome dinner. I'm not going to stay here and let "Ms. Goody-too-shoes and Holier-than- thou Spencer" attack me. Let's go Chrissy." She gets up from the table and grabs her purse. I am furious by now. I can't shut my mouth and control the words that are coming out of it.

"Yeah that's right, leave and don't let the door hit you on your way out. Chels, do you have any disinfectants, I need to spray the air around me. We don't know what kind of disease this stray dog brought in." And I can't believe I just said that. Kendra turns around with a grin on her face.

"If I have any disease, then you probably have it too. Ask your fiancée where she was and what she did the night of your anniversary last year. She definitely wasn't with you. And for your information, she did more than lay a finger on me."

After Kendra said that, the only sound you can hear is the loud smack from the palm of my hand unconsciously slapping her on the face.

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**Reviews please and thank you.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I am overwhelmed and appreciative of the reviews and the follows I received from the last chapter. I apologize for keeping you guys hanging for a few days. I may not be able to reply, but I am constantly reading your reviews and PM's. In fact, I've re-read your reviews countless times for encouragement. I am glad that some of you can relate to the story, which was my goal when I came up with this idea. And I am so happy some of you have fallen in love with the story.**

***I know Ashley is seeming like the bad guy here but she will get redemption later on. In fact, you might pity her and side with more later.**

***Spencer has her own faults too that she doesn't see. She'll get a rude awakening later.**

***I'm only 7 chapters in and I have a lot more to tell about this story so please be patient.**

***This chapter is mostly a flashback chapter. I need to include these flashbacks in order to tell the story of how they became who they are in the present. I am unsure if you all will like this chapter. Let me know your thoughts.**

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When my parents told me they were getting a divorce, I felt sick to my stomach. I thought they had betrayed me. When my mom said she was taking us to L.A. and leaving my dad in Ohio, I felt hurt, sadness and anger. Again, I thought that was another betrayal towards me and my dad. Finding out that the person you shared you whole life with had an affair on your anniversary? This is betrayal in its purest form.

I realize now that my parents didn't intend to divorce and hurt me. Those things happen beyond their control. But Ashley sleeping with another woman? This is the epitome of betrayal. And I've never known what betrayal felt like until today. It feels like an amalgamation of every negative emotion known to man. I feel really sick to my stomach. I feel angry, sad, hurt. I am furious and I am disgusted. I feel hatred.

I feel the ringing sensation in the palm of my hand that had just encountered Kendra's face. The room is quiet and everyone is standing frozen, unsure of how to react to this revelation. I am trying to hold back the tears but they are graciously beating me with ease.

"Get the fuck out bitch! Get out and I never want to see your face again!" My face is red and my breathing is rapid. Fuck! I want to ruin that face of hers. I want to beat it with a baseball bat.

"I don't wonder why Ashley cheated on you. I wonder why she hasn't left you yet."

"Get the fuck out!" I lunge at her and Glenn is pulling me by the waist. I really wish he'd let me go so that I can tear off that smile of hers. Glenn is useless as I maneuver out of his grip. I grab her by the hair and drag her towards the door. Aiden and Glenn are now both holding me back. All of a sudden I hear someone else scream.

"Kendra, get out of my house!"

"Chelsea, she started it. It shouldn't have come to this if she just played nice."

"I said get the fuck out. I don't want to talk to you or see you anytime soon. And stay away from Ashley and stay away from Spencer. You got that." Chelsea is angry and this is the first time I've seen her like this. Kendra finally leaves. Her friend Chrissy apologizes to Chelsea and Chelsea just nods.

No one noticed that Ashley is quiet and immobile. There is only one look on her face and I've only seen that look once before. The look of someone who thinks they've just lost something very important to them. Aiden and Glenn release me and I turn to Ashley.

Tears are falling uncontrollably from my eyes. There are unshed tears behind her dark rimmed glasses waiting to fall out. I look her in the eye but I don't say anything. I cannot find the words to express what I am feeling right now so I just wait for her to say something. She finally moves her mouth as if to say something but nothing comes out.

And then boom. I slap her so hard, even harder than I slapped Kendra. Her glasses fly across the room. That's how hard I slapped her. She faces me again and tries to touch me. I step back a little.

"Spencer, I deserve that. I know I do. But not for the reasons that you think and that Kendra claims. I swear to you that I did not sleep with her. I did not and have never cheated on you.!"

"Shut up!. I don't want to hear it! Do not talk to me and get out the hell away from me."

"Let me explain, Spencer!"

"I said I don't want to hear It.! You left me all alone on our anniversary and you spent the night with Kendra!"

"Yes! I was with her but nothing happened!"

"Nothing Happened? That's what every goddamn cheater says when they get caught! "

"I swear to you….." I cut her off.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!." I run towards the door and to my car. I speed out of Glenn's driveway and drive fast and far.

I keep driving but the tears are preventing me from being able to see the road. I just want to get away from Ashley right now.

As if on cue, the rain falls and it falls hard.

I drive into the nearest parking lot and I parked my car. I'm hurt and angry but hell, I am not suicidal enough to drive in my condition. My body is shaking so I hold myself together. I let the tears fall even harder.

I don't know if I'm crying because she cheated on me or if I'm crying because I know for a fact, our relationship is finally, truly broken.

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_Eight Years Ago January_

_I haven't seen Ashley since we left for Christmas break. I went to Ohio to visit my dad and she went to Las Vegas to go on tour with her dad. Our last night was when I forced her to sing at Grey's. The crowd loved her and the owner of the club was willing to give her a permanent gig on Saturdays. That was honestly one of the best nights of my life. I think it even surpassed the time my dad took me to a Justin Timberlake concert with front row seating. Justin pulled me up onstage and sang to me._

_But when Ashley sang to me at Grey's, I was in heaven. I mean I know she wasn't really singing to me but that's what it felt like. She didn't even have to pull me up onstage. She just kept her eyes on me the whole entire time. _

_So this past two weeks, I've missed her so much. I had fun with my dad, but Ashley consumed my thoughts. I kept thinking that I needed to tell her how I felt. And even if she didn't feel the same, I know that Ashley will be cool about it. She's just a really good person and labels never mattered to her. I've made my decision to tell her when we both get back._

I _am now waiting for her at Big Bob's Burgers, our favorite burger place in all of California. I am a nervous wreck and I think I'm sweating like a pig. Strong arms come from behind me and I know it's her._

"_How's my bestie?" _

"_Ash!" Oh god it feels so good to finally hug her. _

"_I've missed you, Spence."_

"_I've missed you more." We both sit down in our favorite booth. It's towards the back and it's a lot more private._

"_How's Ohio and how's Mr. C?"_

"_Cold..and he was great. Still the best dad ever! How was Vegas and Raife?"_

"_Dry…and he was great..Still the worse the dad ever. He left me alone most of the time. But regardless, i got to spend some time with him."_

"_I know there's a lot more to talk about our trips but I need to tell you something." Ash tells me this. My heart races and I think I know what she's going to say._

"_I have something to tell you too. But you go first."  
"Well I know that we've gotten close real fast and I am so comfortable with you Spence. You have no idea how important you've become to me. You've inspired me to write songs, to perform. Gosh I am so thankful you came into my life. But there are things that I haven't told you and there are things that you might freak out about. I don't want to lose you." She looks down on the hot chocolate that I've ordered for her.  
_

"_Ash..You can tell me anything and I will not freak out. There is nothing in this world that you can say that will make me leave you. I promise. Wait, are you going to tell me that you have a penis or something?" She laughs at my attempt to lighten the mood. But my heart is racing even faster. My hands are trembling and I can't help but be excited about what she's going to tell me. I really think she feels the same way and is about to confess._

"_Ok." She takes a deep breath._

"_Spence, I know it was way too fast but I think I'm in love." Gosh my heart is going to explode._

"_Ok. That's awesome. That's a really big deal Ash, but I don't think that'll freak me out though." I grab her hand just to assure her._

"_Ummmmm….it's who I'm in love that'll freak you out."_

"_Ok so spill already…stop with the suspense."_

"_Uhhh ….I am in love with… a girl." YESSSS! I've been daydreaming about this scenario for two weeks. I can't believe it's coming true._

"_Wow…that's a big deal but not the part that you're in love with a girl. But the part that you, Ashley Davies, is in love. Besides, I kinda knew since my first day when some people told me to stay away from you because you were some "big dyke" or something like that." Of course it wouldn't be a big deal to me, I am in love with a girl too! _

" _It never mattered to me Ash. What mattered to me was that you were a good person and friend. I am really ok with it. I'm glad you told me." I pretend that I have no clue and I wait for her to say that it's me. I wait for her to say what I am going to tell her as well._

"_Thank you Spencer…You have no idea how afraid I was that you will reject me because I am gay."  
"I'll never reject you Ash…., so who's the lucky girl" Wait for it…wait for it…I hold my breath but hide the huge smile on my face._

"_Umm Her name is …Nicole, my dad's best friend's daughter."Wait, what? My name is not Nicole….Oh no…._

"_I met her in Vegas but she's coming to L.A. It only took us two weeks but damn Spence, this girl is amazing…!" Oh my heart…I think it's on the floor. I am not amazing enough? _

_I take a deep breath and fight my damn hardest against the tears that are threatening to spill._

"_That's great news Ash. I am happy for you. Nothing like this will stop me from being friends with you. Ok." I tilt my head and smile at her._

"_Promise?"_

"_That's a promise. Why don't your order something and while I run to the restroom. Then tell me all about this girl, ok?" _

"_Ok…."_

_I walk as fast as I could and enter the first stall that's available. And then I let the tears fall out. I guess she doesn't feel the same._

_8 years Ago March_

"_Spencer! Talk to me please!" _

"_Leave me alone! You have no right to do what you did!" _

_Ashley chases after me in the parking lot. I'm at a party with my new boyfriend and Ashley had caused a scene in front of a lot of people. I was making out with Mike on the couch when all of a sudden, Ashley pulls Mike off of me and punches him in the gut. Mike isn't afraid to hit a girl so they get into a scuttle. Aiden had broken of the fight before Ashley got hurt. I was so pissed that I just left. _

_Since Ashley started dating Nicole, it hasn't been the same. Nicole didn't like me very much. She's nice to me and all but I could tell she's a bit uneasy about my closeness with Ashley. A month into their relationship, I saw Ashley lesser and lesser. Ashley was too busy with Nicole to notice that I started pulling away from her. It hurt too much to see them together. And then I met Mike, the quarterback of the football team. I wasn't interested in Mike but he seemed like a really nice guy so I decided to give it a chance._

_I am walking fast but Ashley is faster._

"_Spencer, Mike is just trying to get into your pants!"_

"_Dammit Ashley, so what if he is? Is it so hard to believe that someone like Mike, who is popular, smart, and funny, can find me attractive and what to be with me?"_

"_You don't know Mike the way I do! He's just going to play you. He just wants to show you off to everyone in this party." I stop walking and turn to face her._

"_What is wrong with that! He's my boyfriend, damnit!"_

_Her face turned white with the news._

"_He's not a good guy Spence. Fine, if you want to make out with him or have sex with him, don't do it at this party. Have some respect for yourself."_

"_I don't get you Ash, you and Nicole suck face in front of me, in front of other people but you have a problem with me doing it?"_

"_It's not about that Spence! This is Mike Connelly you're sucking face with, he's the biggest douche at King High…He'll parade you around to his friends, sleep with you, and then when he's bored with you, he'll break your heart"_

"_My heart's been broken Ash...but not by Mike…At least he's given me all of his attention this past month. He's been there for me since you've been running off with Nicole. He's been by my side while you haven't. You broke my heart Ash."_

"_Spencer I….."_

_This conversation is pointless and I don't even know why we're fighting. _

" _You know what Ash, let's just drop this. Let's drop for the sake of our friendship. You have Nicole and I have Mike. I don't know what you have against Mike but I really like him Ash. He's great a guy and I would want you to get to know him. He's funny and smart. Not as funny and smart as you. I want you to like him because you're my best friend…." I am too busy rambling and then all of a sudden…..her lips are on mine and she's kissing me deep and hard. Holy fuck..Ashley is kissing me…my heart just stopped. ASHLEY IS KISSING ME! _

_Her hands make way to my face and I am kissing her back. I can't believe this is happening. We kiss for a minute longer in the middle of the street. _

_She pulls back but keeps one hand around my waist and the other on my face. Her forehead is leaning against mine. I treasure this moment between the two of us. It feels so amazing being this close to her. My eyes are still closed but when I open, I am looking directly into hers. _

"_What if I don't want to be just best friends with you? What if I tell you that seeing you with Mike really sucked for me? That I've been acting like this because I don't want you to be with Mike. I don't know what you feel for me but it took me a while to realize that I am in love you Spencer. I have a problem with Mike kissing you because I want to be the only one kissing you and touching you."_

"_Well that's going to be a problem because you have Nicole and I have Mike." I say this softly and I don't move. I don't want to move ever again._

"_I broke up with Nicole yesterday. I'm in love with you Spencer…and I hope you're in love with me too."_

" _I've always been Ash. Since the first day, I fell into your arms. But you broke my heart Ash. When you started dating Nicole. It killed me every time I saw you with her."_

"_I made a mistake. I was scared to lose you so I stop myself from falling for you and instead put all my feelings towards Nicole. I didn't know I was hurting you. I promise from this day on, I will never hurt you again."_

_I make the move to kiss her. We kiss for a very long time. I have feeling that Ashley Davies will be the only girl or person that I will want to kiss for a very long time._

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For the past hour, I just sat in my car reminiscing about my life with Ashley. There have been a lot of ups and downs. But my life with Ashley has been mostly good. She's been great to me and I'll forever be thankful to her. I realized that if this happened a year ago, when I was still madly in love with Ash, I would have given her a chance to explain. I wouldn't have just easily believed what Kendra said.

I guess Ashley deserves a chance to explain herself. For all the good she's brought to my life, she deserves at least a chance to tell her side. But not today.

I get home to our house and Ashley has fallen asleep on the couch. Aiden must have dropped her home since I took the car.

I stare at her wondering what went wrong. After everything we've been through, where did I go wrong? Where did she go wrong? What has happened to us?

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**Reviews please and thank you for reading.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you again for the reviews and the continued support of this story. So sorry for the delay in updates. I know some of you constantly check to see if i updated and I'm sorry to keep you hanging and waiting a bit. Like I said before, this story is a difficult one because it hits close to home and it's very personal to me.**

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It's been three days since left Ashley alone at our home. I am currently staying in Los Angeles. It's been three long days since I last saw Ashley. I know I shouldn't have left without facing her but for once, I just really needed a break from everything that is Ashley.

That same night, I needed to talk to somebody. I needed to talk to someone who wasn't going to tell me to talk to Ashley or tell me to give Ashley a chance to explain her side. I needed to talk to someone who wasn't on team Ashley. I would have called Madison who at the moment, is probably pissed off at her. She would've been on my side like she always is, but would've probably trashed-talked Ashley, feeding fire to my already burning rage. In other words, she would've just made matters worse. I needed to talk to someone who also would talk some sense into me.

I called my mother, Paula. Despite our differences in the past years, she was the best person to understand me at this moment in my life. She, of all people, would know how I feel at this very moment. I told her what's happened at the dinner and I told her about what's been going inside my head. She listened for a while and didn't make any judgments towards Ashley or me. At the end of my venting session, she calmly said "Spencer, I have some time off from work this week. How would you like to come over and stay with your mother here in L.A. for a few days?" And this was exactly what I wanted to hear. I smiled to myself and told her that I would love to go. She told me she had one condition though. She said I had to tell Ashley and not just leave without a warning. She told me that I had to assure Ashley that this was only for a few days and that I will return.

The next morning, I packed a bag and got ready to go. I needed to leave as soon as I told her so she wouldn't get the chance to convince me not to go.

She was still sleeping on the couch when I went downstairs with my bag. I woke her up and explained where I was going and that I will return in a few days. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and headed out the door. I did not look back to see her pleading brown eyes. I did not look back to see Ashley looking so defeated.

So it's been three days since I've been hanging out with my mom. When I was younger, my mom would demand to know what's going on in my life. She wanted to know about everything that I was going through. Talking to her was an obligation rather than a 'mom and daughter" bonding time. Things changed as I got older. I think she may have learned from her mistakes after I shut her out of my life when she tried to keep me away from Ashley. Oh yes she tried so hard to keep us apart and I hated her for it. It was my father that talked some sense into her. Throughout the years, she's learned to accept and love Ashley just as much as my dad had.

Since I got here, she hasn't pressured me to talk to her about Ashley. Since I got here, I've had such a blast hanging out with her. Her 2nd husband, Dan, was at some medical conference in Germany and so I have her all to myself. She's taken me to the spa and to three different malls for some shopping. She even bought me a new Gucci bag. At night, we went dancing and went to a couple of bars to have a good time. My mom knew exactly what I needed but I knew she was just waiting for me to spill.

Tonight, we decided to stay in and marathon the greatest show of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer! We laughed through season one and cried when Buffy killed Angel in season two. She called me out when I blushed at the sight of Faith in season 3. Yes, I was obsessed with Faith, the rogue slayer, and she was probably my first girl crush. I bet that every lesbian had a crush on Faith even before they realized that they were gay. Four episodes into season three, she decided to turn the TV off.

"Mom! I was watching that!" I protested and threw some popcorn her way.

"Honey, it's time we talk. You've been here for three days and you have yet to tell me anything."

"About what?" I play dumb. I really have been feeling better the past few days with my mind off of Ashley and the law firm. I can even smile and joke around now. I don't want to face reality just yet but my mom is giving me her best impersonation of Willow's "resolved face".

"Honey, you have a fiancé waiting for you to return to her and work things out. She's probably worried about you while you're sitting here on my couch, eating popcorn, and getting lost in a Buffy Marathon" My mom is relentless. I let a huge sigh out.

"Mom…..what if I don't want to work things out with Ashley?" She looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. She's been through the same exact thing with my dad so she knows what I am feeling.

"Oh honey, are you sure?"

"I don't know. It's like I am so exhausted being me, being Ashley's fiancée. I have been with her for 8 years Mom, and most of those were wonderful years but I didn't even know that I was suffocating .I fell so much in love with Ashley and I gave her every piece of me. When nothing was left, I realized that the Spencer I was and wanted to be has been replaced by the Spencer that Ashley wanted me to be."

My mom has moved closer to me on the couch and she's holding my hand.

"At the same time, I feel like I would lose everything if I break it off. I'm so scared that if I break it off, I'll be the one to regret letting her go."

" I do love her mom, but I'm hating who I've become in the past few months. I defend guilty criminals. Some of them violent and don't deserve to have a defense. I work for a ruthless law firm that only cares about making money. I've asked myself numerous times as to why I do this. The only answer I could think of is that it's what Ashley wanted." My tears are now silently flowing."

"I've taken a back seat in my career and in my personal life in order for Ashley to have the success she is having now. We could've been married a few years back but it kept getting pushed because Ashley needed to focus on school or on work. Our relationship was never a priority and I was never a priority."

"I feel so guilty for feeling this way because it's not Ashley's fault. I chose to do the things I did but it's killing me and I need to get out."

"I want to travel the world and I want to learn a new skill. I want to save lives the way you and dad do. I want to be a part of something important. I wanted to get married and I wanted to have children with her. But I can't do these things because she needs me to be patient while she chases her dreams!"

"The thing that hurts me the most is the fact that she thinks I am happy with all the decisions she's made for the both of us. That she thinks that everything she's decided to do will benefit the both of us. I am tired of waiting for my turn, Mom. Just like you got tired of waiting for Dad to let you have your turn."

I am now sobbing on my mom's lap as she lovingly strokes my hair. And for the first time in my life, I understood why my mom left my dad.

"Listen to me Spencer. I loved your Father very much. And some part of me still does. I never regretted marrying him. I never regretted having you and your brothers with him. But I also don't regret leaving him. I became who I am today because of the decision that I made to walk away. I've saved countless children's lives. And those I couldn't save, I gave them enough time to be with their families. I've made countless children and their parents a sense of hope. I have never been more alive and more complete that I am now. If I stayed with your father, I would have not been able to do any of that. The only thing I regret was the fact that I didn't try hard enough to make your dad see my pain and to get him to understand my goals and dreams. I was always afraid he will shoot me down or laugh at me. Talking to him got too difficult and walking away was the easier option. Sometimes, I think that if I tried harder, your dad would've come to his senses. My point is that you need to talk to Ashley. You need to tell her how you feel and what you've been going through. You need to try your damn hardest to let her see your pain. Do not walk away just because it's so much easier. When you've given it your all and she still refuses or fails to understand you, that's when you walk away. And only walk away when you're absolutely sure that being with Ashley is no longer right for you. You're my daughter and Arthur Carlin is your father Spencer, which means you're destined for greatness. It's in your blood. That is why you desire more than what you're doing now."

"What about her infidelity, Mom? How do I forgive her for that?"

"Spencer, do you honestly believe Ashley cheated on you? Because I don't. If she says nothing happened, then I believe that woman. I know I tried to keep you away from her in the beginning of your relationship and from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry about that. But I know for a fact that Ashley loves you and will never do anything to hurt you in that way. I know that you would not have easily believed Kendra had you not been having some issues lately. The old Spencer I know would have listened to Ashley's side and find out the facts instead letting her emotions dictate her actions. So go home to Ashley and figure out what you're going to do next. If you chose to leave her, I will be sad but I will be in your corner Spence. I will always be in your corner okay?"

"Thanks Mom. For everything. I love you."

"I love you too. Now get some sleep so you can leave early tomorrow."

"Hi. How is your Mom?" I called Ashley to let her know I am coming home and she seemed ecstatic about it. We are now sitting in our living room having our long awaited talk. I have never had such an awkward moment full of silence in my 8 year relationship with Ashley until this day. I'm glad she decided to break the deafening silence in our living room.

"She's wonderful. I'm so glad I got to spend some time with her. I think I should do that more often. I own her that." I still can't find the strength to look at her.

"That's great. Maybe we can go together next time." Ashley is looking at me and I am watching her from the corner of my eyes.

"Yeah sure. How have you been?" I finally look her way and I give her an awkward smile.

"I'm ok. I miss you though."

"I've missed you too." I did.

"Spence, please hear me out about Kendra."

"Right to the point huh? Ok…. so talk." I suddenly find my carpet very interesting.

"That incident was after the appreciation party at work which happened to be on our anniversary right?"

"Uh huh."

"You went home to get ready for our date but you let me stay a little longer. The partners invited me to a private suite and there was a lot of expensive alcohol and women there. Kendra was invited in as well, probably to entertain all the dirty old men in attendance. I kept getting served shots and drinks without asking. Mr. Chavez, my client, would not let me refuse a drink. I know I shouldn't have kept drinking but I was trying to impress the partners." I roll my eyes at this and she moves closer to me.

" Kendra came up to me and we started talking. And the next thing I know is that I am in her apartment. I was too drunk to drive home and she didn't call you or even Aiden. Instead, she took me home with her. I am going to be honest. She kissed me and I did kiss her back but Spence, that was all that happened. I was drunk but no matter how drunk I was, the thought of you still stopped me from doing anything further. I pushed her off of me and told her that I love you and I will never cheat on you. I called Aiden to pick me up but he was also not able to drive so instead he called you and fed you the story about an emergency with a client."

She's done with her little rant and she's now waiting for me to say something. I stay quiet.

"Spence, please believe me. I could never do that to you. There is no way in hell that I would jeopardize your trust and our relationship for anyone, most especially Kendra. Please say something. Say anything."

"Look Ash, I believe you . I don't know why but somehow I believe you. But that isn't even the issue here. You chose to stay a little longer that night instead of leaving with me. You chose to stay to "impress" the partners instead of spending the night with me. I know we've been together for eight years so anniversaries seem irrelevant now but it was important to me. If you hadn't had stayed then we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Spence, I am so sorry and it will never happen again.,"

"It's happened again and again! And it keeps happening." She looks at me with confusion in her eyes.

" I'm not talking about Kendra. I am talking about your career! Ash, you've been putting me aside and I am getting tired of being second fiddle to your career! When are you going to put me first?"

"Spence, you're always first before anything or anyone."

"You haven't put me first in a long time Ash. There is a lot going on in my head, Ash. Sometimes I am not sure if we're right for each other."

"What? Not right for each other?... what are you talking about?" This brings tears in her eyes and she's holding them back.

"Ash, there is a lot to talk about but I can't right now. I am exhausted from the drive and I just need some rest. We have to talk and I want to talk to you but not now." I get up to go upstairs and I feel a hand grab me on my left wrist. I turn to face her.

"Are you falling out of love with me, Spence?"

"Maybe." With that, her tears fall freely and I leave to go upstairs. I fight the little remaining urge to go and hug her and tell her that everything is going to be ok. Because I know it won't be.

* * *

** A/N:Just a small warning, next chapter will be difficult. Let me know what you think. Thanks to all my readers and reviewers once more.**


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